So what if we had all the perfection that we could ever become inside us?
Here's the image:
You hear people say that they have hardened their heart and I would like to use that as my illustration.
We have this perfection that is encased inside all kinds of "hard stuff" such as self-deprecation, apathy, loneliness, hatred, shame, guilt, pride, impatience, etc. and all the bad virtues that turn into awful things like lying, stealing, jealousy, etc.
What if all we were doing for our whole lives was chip away at that hardened exterior to show us the perfection inside? It's like a piece of coal that turns into a diamond, but it takes a long time and compression (exterior motivation) for the coal piece to turn into something shiny and beautiful as a diamond.

Just an idea. Maybe a self-confidence booster too. You are a perfect and complete being. You need to figure out all of the completeness and perfection behind all the "hard stuff", but you are still capable of being better everyday. Let's highlight that: you are capable of being better every single day.

Why should you feel worthless? Why is it necessary to beat ourselves up if we are beautiful beings hidden inside a cruddy exterior? You shouldn't feel worthless and it isn't necessary.

I am a beautiful being, but I can make mistakes, too.

It has many similarities in the Christian religious realm: we have the flesh which causes us to sin and we are not perfect beings yet, but we were made in the image of God, Who is perfect. I think the difference is just the perspective and what side we choose to look at things.

Why do we do such things? To be a better Christian and minister to others? To be a better person and love others? To be a better person and love myself better. That's my answer. My journey is to love me. I know how to love others; I believe I love others well, if I want to. I do not love myself everyday. But I think that if I can change my perspective and show myself that deep down within me there is a beautiful being - I can do that. I can be a beautiful creature hidden among this hardened exterior.
=)

Release the Beggar

(This was written four years ago and I just realized that it was never published.)
-------------------------

Money,
Opinions,
Marriage, silly little word with no meaning...
the problems.
We, as a family, survive them.
More or less in discussions
masked in your anger.
Know that I don't want to be here.
You say it yourself!
Know how I don't want to be a part of the problem,
I didn't cause it,
I will not solve it.
Call me into the discussion room, just to prove your point.
I am not your pawn.
I am not your peon.
You destroyed me.
Let me go.
That is a period.
Let me go.

So I started this blog 4 years ago and totally forgot about it. I decided to log back in to blog some stuff and get some feelings out there again. Man... I was a little pessimistic back then.

Anyway, I am very introspective today and I would just like to write some things down and see what happens.

(This could get a little PG-13 btws...)

I am a mother bear. I give amazing hugs and I treat my friends like my family. I love them dearly and sometimes too much. I took this Facebook quiz (some people make fun of me for taking them) today on color psychology. I don't take them too seriously, but I think they are interesting and sometimes I just like answering the questions to see what my own answers would be. I am a green-person. I love nature and I love being outdoors. I love people, but sometimes I feel down because I don't perceive the love that I am receiving or think that I am loving enough. I can be a little dramatic, but not overtly so, nor do I take things out on other people.
I am a true friend and amazing lover (I'm not talking about in bed, though no complaints have been filed to me).

So what do I do now in life? I don't know. I was talking to my roommate because of recent circumstances that I will explain later and he made the observation that I do not live in the "now". I live in the future - continually wanting better and never settling. Now, in one perception that is not a bad thing. I want to be the best I can be and I want to have the best for my life and I don't want to just take the shit that life hands me. On the other hand, I am not happy. I am not content with where I am in life and where I am headed worries me. I don't feel like I am ready for the next steps and I don't know what to do about it. I think these are two dichotomies in my brain and that somewhere there is a middle ground. There is a space that I can live and find and love and be that I will feel comfortable and I can be content with my life, but still strive for the best within myself.
Another interesting idea that gave me some confidence the other day was "You are already the best you can be." I think the real message in this is that I have the power inside me to be the best that I am, I just have to find it and figure it out. This is probably the journey of life or whatever. Being the best I can be. Everyday is going to be different and just like showering, we have to do it everyday. Therefore I have to renew my passion and determination to be the best that I can be everyday. Yes, of course, it is okay to have bad days and days where you feel off, but does that necessitate the feeling of worthlessness or being hard on oneself?
I don't think it should.

So here's the story for today...
(Side note: to be honest, I don't care if anyone reads this, I am doing this for me. Maybe one day, I will look back and see something here useful. If you do read it and find that it has helped you, awesome. If it has harmed you in any way, that was not my intention and I am sorry.)
Today, I went to that National State Park down the road. It was a wonderful time of nature and looking inside myself. I went to the nature trail and said my audition monologues a few times, but didn't really get a lot of work done on them. It's not that I don't care, it's just that today is not the day to get that done. Then I went and sat by the "lake" thing. It's not very big, so I don't feel like it deserves the name of "lake", but I don't really know what else to call it. Anyway, I started reading Demian by Hermann Hesse. I only got a few pages in, but it does seem like an interesting read and I think it is a good time of my life to read it. I was thinking a lot and one of the things that I noticed about myself is that I do not read out to people too often. I don't talk to people unless they speak to me. I am searching to see if there is an important meaning behind this, but I am also open to just noticing things and letting go of the importance behind them.

I have been doing a lot of yoga lately and notice that I miss it. I feel differently about life about a week into doing yoga and it is better and more calm and more steady (and apparently more introspective).

Maybe I said this, but I am scared of my future. I don't know what will happen, but who does?
I want to teach someday and I know that music and performing will be involved because not only am I good at those things, I enjoy doing them.
I don't think that I just enjoy doing them because I am good at them. In fact, a lot of times I do not have confidence in my abilities to sing and perform, but I am going to get over that. I tend to try too hard and it gets in the way. I get in the way of my body performing actions.
I also love dancing.

Two other things: when I say "sorry", I usually mean "I wish I could change things/circumstances." Also, it is not in my nature to hurt people. It hurts my spirit to hurt others.
This post as individual sentences and paragraphs may all seem very random, but as a whole in the specific place and time of my life that I am, it is perfect. It is exactly what I needed to say and what I needed to do.

=)